Raving mad and somewhat slightly dazed

so the supervisor i normally get along with made a gay/disabled joke today. referred to california as "the land of fruits and nuts" - look at all the queers and crazies they've got over there, isn't it weird? we definitely don't have any of those here. we're /normal/ here.
fuck.
*rubs eyes*
I need this job. I need health insurance or I will die. I need to be able to get therapy, I need to be able to buy meds, I need to be able to fix my teeth. I have bills. This is my first engineering job - if I fuck this up, I'll be pretty damn fucked for a while.
It's legal to be fired for homosexuality in this state.
I need this job.
And that means not picking fights with supervisors who seem to like me otherwise. That means not rocking the boat, at least not until I can be sure that I'm not gonna get thrown overboard for it. That means smiling and playing along nicely and goddamn it
I feel like I coward. Don't I have a duty to my siblings? Don't I have a duty to confront this shit where I find it? If I let is slide, aren't I a part of the problem?
Fuck.
Okay.  Options.
1. Talk to him about it. Risk outing myself. Come off as "over sensitive" and no fun, make him like me less. Lower my chances of getting a permanent slot.
2. Anon note to HR. Worst case: he gets taken out and the department is given over to the angry sexist I like even less.
3. Keep my mouth shut. Don't smile at his jokes but don't call him out on them either. Don't come out at work, don't talk about queer friends. Pretend it never happened and stay safe.

Fuck.  The world is supposed to be better now. These kinds of calculations shouldn't be necessary.

People talk about "passing priviledge"  like it isn't a different kind of torture. like I don't have to deal with people who wink and say one way or another "you're one of us, after all, you're on /our/ side."  They feel /safe/ with me, they feel /open./

I mean. I know. I don't have to risk direct violence on my person. I have a /chance/ at jobs, at housing, at survival. But only if no one finds out, only if I keep the truth of what I am buried deep inside my chest and never let it out.

It would be easier if I was brave enough to burn my bridges. There are times I wish I was more visibly queer, more visibly disabled, more obviously /other/ so that this would stop happening. So that i wouldn't have to /choose/ between honesty and survival. Yeah, I'd still be fucked, but at least I wouldn't have done it to myself.

(it feels like there's a monster buried in my chest, something pounding at my rib cage. If people see they'll put me down like the beast I am, so I have to keep it locked away.

sometimes I wish the monstrosity was on the outside, where everyone could see. Maybe I'd die but at least I'd be free for a little while. At least it would be /over/, instead of this terrified waiting. The sword's gonna drop, one day or another, and it's so exhausting waiting for it.)

Well, I'm trying again with a new therapist.

( here we go )

for one of my classes, we're doing a project. and for my project I wanted to do engineering analysis of bone. I got some deer legs, but my prof wants them to be clean before they come into the lab, so I'm doing that now.

I was pulling them out of the oven where I was boiling them, when one of my roommates' best friends (who has been irritatingly friendly to me this whole semester, coming to talk to me despite very clear "fuck off" signals) came over asked me what I was doing. 

So I told her. I explained the experiment that I was doing (seeing how vibrations transfer through bone) and that I really /wanted/ to do human bone but couldn't get any.... by the end (and especially at the part where I told her it's legal to buy human bone) she had that alarmde slightly-too-wide look in her eyes.

I may or may not be cackling a bit now. She's insisted on getting to know me this whole time.... not my fault if what she finds isn't what she expected.

So my Vibrations lab wasn’t fun today.
For context, as many of you know, I am a female Engineering student. Vibrations has six people in it, and I am the only woman. Usually, that doesn’t matter, or at least I don’t notice it. I keep to myself, but I did that anyway. If people talk about me I don’t hear about it.

But lab reminded me of the situation I’m in, of the sometimes precarious balance of The Smart Girl.

( cut for length )

 

on tuesday with a bio energy company

eeeeee

At least so far. And now I sleep. and try to clean my room with all my college stuff exploded everywhere.

And maybe write. Eventually.

it reads "nothing is forever"

so. this week i have been shoved at a project and fucked it up because the person who shoved me doesn't tell me a /damn/ thing about the project or how to do it; locked myself out of my car; and  today, been in such intense, random-ass pain that I had to go home from work three hours into my shift because I was in too much pain to focus. I work in an office. (we have since decided that is likely a sprained muscle.)

all of this while being emotionally and physically exhausted.

murf.