so. therapy.

[splinteredstar]

I'm kind of angry now.

Session on Monday? I was talking about my career and he talked about how important networking was, and I quipped that networking was hard when you have social anxiety.

Fucker had the /gall/ to call anxiety an "excuse".


I mean I acknowledge that I talk myself down and convince myself of the worst of things. And yeah, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of looking dumb or being awkward or incompetent. 

That doesn't mean it's an /excuse/

does he think that I have panic attacks because i /want/ them? does he think that being convinced that I'm never going to achieve anything in my life is /fun/?

Am I used to it? Sure. Am I sometimes resigned to it? Yes. But the implication that I /choose/ this, that I somehow /want/ to be a fuck up and that's the only reason my head is such an utter mess sometimes?

If I'm such a failure that I'll /choose/ it, then what the fuck am I bothering for?

I mean, I know what he was trying. "You have control of your own life! There are no problems, only challenges!" (That is a direct quote) Those sorts of things. Pseudo-encouraging bullshit. Which is /meaningless/ and frankly insulting.

But what the fuck am I supposed to say to him? "Hey, I find what you said really ableist and discouraging and frankly kind of an assholeish thing to say?" I don't have any power in this situation.

.....
....you know what? 
I don't owe this fucker anything.
I don't owe him my respect or my silence. I don't have to sit and let myself be talked to like I'm an idiot,  like he's a fucking messiah and i'm the ignorant fool, self-sabotaging out of weakness.
(For the record, I 'm not sure anyone goes out of their way to self-sabotage their goals. Human nature is one of survival. Someone may be /shit/ at surviving, but I'm not sure anyone is shit on purpose.) 

I don't think I'll go back. Not to him, at least. If they ask, I'll tell them why.
 

Comments

[veleda_k]

This, unfortunately, does not surprise me. This was a thing that actually happened to me, after all.

And what that experience taught me is that you could have said "Hey, I find what you said really ableist and discouraging and frankly kind of an assholeish thing to say," but it wouldn't have done any good.

There are two truths I have I learned from my years of therapy (in and out since I was nine): 1. Good therapists are really helpful and useful. 2. There are not many really good therapists. (Maybe other people who have had better luck than I have will chime in.)

You do not have to see him again. I don't think you should see him again. And I do encourage you to tell them exactly why. One of my regrets is I never told my victim blaming, smarmy therapist why I stopped seeing her. (Though she probably figured it out.)

[splinteredstar]

Yeah, I remember that happening.

That was part of what hit me so hard about it - the feeling that no matter what I said I would have been branded as "stubborn" or "non compliant" or "unwilling to be helped", any objection rendered invalid due to the fact that I was the one saying it. My opinions and feelings were just symptoms to be corrected, and he knew better than I did what was going on in my head. He was the Psychologist, after all, and I was just there to accept his knowledge.

It was.... unpleasant.

Yeah, some other people have talked about how the experience was helpful to them. The general response to this particular therapist has been, "he said what?! that /asshole/." I don't know, I'll give it a month to get used to the idea and try someone else.

I canceled my appointment. I chickened out of saying specifically why, but I did say that some of his comments rubbed me wrong. The lady at the counter was very concerned and gentle, and reassured me that they were always there in case of emergencies. She gave me her card. I felt guilty for making her worried but glad that she cared.