so. therapy.
Nov. 5th, 2014 10:25 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
splinteredstarI'm kind of angry now.
Session on Monday? I was talking about my career and he talked about how important networking was, and I quipped that networking was hard when you have social anxiety.
Fucker had the /gall/ to call anxiety an "excuse".
I mean I acknowledge that I talk myself down and convince myself of the worst of things. And yeah, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of looking dumb or being awkward or incompetent.
That doesn't mean it's an /excuse/
does he think that I have panic attacks because i /want/ them? does he think that being convinced that I'm never going to achieve anything in my life is /fun/?
Am I used to it? Sure. Am I sometimes resigned to it? Yes. But the implication that I /choose/ this, that I somehow /want/ to be a fuck up and that's the only reason my head is such an utter mess sometimes?
If I'm such a failure that I'll /choose/ it, then what the fuck am I bothering for?
I mean, I know what he was trying. "You have control of your own life! There are no problems, only challenges!" (That is a direct quote) Those sorts of things. Pseudo-encouraging bullshit. Which is /meaningless/ and frankly insulting.
But what the fuck am I supposed to say to him? "Hey, I find what you said really ableist and discouraging and frankly kind of an assholeish thing to say?" I don't have any power in this situation.
.....
....you know what?
I don't owe this fucker anything.
I don't owe him my respect or my silence. I don't have to sit and let myself be talked to like I'm an idiot, like he's a fucking messiah and i'm the ignorant fool, self-sabotaging out of weakness.
(For the record, I 'm not sure anyone goes out of their way to self-sabotage their goals. Human nature is one of survival. Someone may be /shit/ at surviving, but I'm not sure anyone is shit on purpose.)
I don't think I'll go back. Not to him, at least. If they ask, I'll tell them why.
Session on Monday? I was talking about my career and he talked about how important networking was, and I quipped that networking was hard when you have social anxiety.
Fucker had the /gall/ to call anxiety an "excuse".
I mean I acknowledge that I talk myself down and convince myself of the worst of things. And yeah, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of looking dumb or being awkward or incompetent.
That doesn't mean it's an /excuse/
does he think that I have panic attacks because i /want/ them? does he think that being convinced that I'm never going to achieve anything in my life is /fun/?
Am I used to it? Sure. Am I sometimes resigned to it? Yes. But the implication that I /choose/ this, that I somehow /want/ to be a fuck up and that's the only reason my head is such an utter mess sometimes?
If I'm such a failure that I'll /choose/ it, then what the fuck am I bothering for?
I mean, I know what he was trying. "You have control of your own life! There are no problems, only challenges!" (That is a direct quote) Those sorts of things. Pseudo-encouraging bullshit. Which is /meaningless/ and frankly insulting.
But what the fuck am I supposed to say to him? "Hey, I find what you said really ableist and discouraging and frankly kind of an assholeish thing to say?" I don't have any power in this situation.
.....
....you know what?
I don't owe this fucker anything.
I don't owe him my respect or my silence. I don't have to sit and let myself be talked to like I'm an idiot, like he's a fucking messiah and i'm the ignorant fool, self-sabotaging out of weakness.
(For the record, I 'm not sure anyone goes out of their way to self-sabotage their goals. Human nature is one of survival. Someone may be /shit/ at surviving, but I'm not sure anyone is shit on purpose.)
I don't think I'll go back. Not to him, at least. If they ask, I'll tell them why.
