Porcelain Hearts and Silk Roses: Chapter 3

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Title: Porcelain Hearts and Silk Roses

Fandom: Death Note

Pairing: Eventual Misa/Light

Summary: Misa, she knew she was a silly sentimental girl, but Valentine's Day was still her favorite day of all. A series of seven one shots, over seven special days in her life. Spoilers through the whole series.

Rating: PG

 

Title: Candy Hearts

Time: Preseries

Misa is fifteen now, or at least she should be, but it’s gotten harder to remember. Everything has been dazed and blurry since her parents were murdered, the days and hours and seconds all muddled and out of order. She’s only vaguely aware of it passing as she spends her days curled up in her room, her legs tangled in her once-fluffy comforter and her sheets rumpled. But she still has a calendar, though she doesn’t know why, and she realizes with a clenched sob that today is Valentine’s Day.

Her sister tried to talk to her, earlier, to drag her out of her room and maybe out to dinner like the family always did before. It is – was! – tradition, because Valentine’s Day has always been Misa’s favorite and her parents’ too. But Misa, she doesn’t want to think about them anymore, and she can’t stop thinking about them, can’t stop hearing them scream and she pulls a pillow over her head and prays that God will make it all better.

That day plays over in her head, her parents screaming and bleeding and please don’t hurt our daughter. She doesn’t remember the policeman’s face, the one that found her hiding in the bathroom, just his voice saying, “It’s okay, you’re safe now. We’ll catch whoever did this.” Misa wanted to punch him, hurt him somehow, because it wasn’t okay, could never be okay now. She still wants to, a bit, because even months – years? – later, they haven’t caught him and they promised they would!

Misa, if she ever finds him – she remembers it was a he, a monster with a voice like gravel – she wants him to die. She’ll do it herself, if she has to. She’s not sure if she would be able to kill, and she hates it because he deserves to die. It isn’t nice and she knows she shouldn’t think it but he needs to die. For now she’ll trust in god, but…

She shakes her head, the movement barely stirring her ravaged hair. Funny, she used to be so proud of her hair, a natural blond in a sea of black. But it doesn’t matter now, because her parents are dead and they were the most proud of all. She curls up further in her bed, trying to block out the images and sounds. Her memories are so loud she almost doesn’t hear the knock on her door. Probably her sister again. Misa, she doesn’t want to talk to Alice any more than she did three hours ago, so she just mumbles something like, “Go away.” and turns away from the door.

The door clicks open, and Misa, she lifts her head just enough to glare blearily at her sister, all black-haired and proper and eyes rimmed with red. She realizes somewhere in the back of her mind that Alice has been crying too, and she knows she should feel bad about that. She does, some, but she doesn’t want to think about it, doesn’t want to think about anything, so she puts her head down and doesn’t talk. The last time her sister came in they started yelling at each other, but Misa isn’t sure she has the energy now.

Her sister doesn’t say anything either, just stands in the doorway for too long. Then she comes in, and sits next to Misa on the bed. Misa, she doesn’t want to be around anyone but she doesn’t want to fight either, because she’s tired and if she fights she’ll have to think and she doesn’t want to. Alice still isn’t talking, and it’s annoying because she’s too still, too still just like them and Misa doesn’t want to think about them, so Misa turns her head to look and try and figure out what she wants.

Alice is just sitting there, tears in her eyes and a shopping bag in her hands. Misa, she feels so horrible both for herself and her sister, and she wants to say something but she isn’t sure what: either “Go away” or “What is that?” or “I love you.” So she just stares without really seeing, until her sister drops the bag onto the bed. Alice reaches towards her, slowly, the movement stuttering with hesitation, and hugs her as best she can with Misa still on her side. Misa is frozen for a moment, a million different emotions bubbling up in her, and she’s unable to tell any of them apart. She starts crying again, and she’s not sure if they’re tears of anger or pain, and she’s starting to get Alice’s coat wet. It doesn’t matter much, really, because they’re both crying now, and Misa, she finally sits up and hugs back, clinging to her sister like Alice is clinging to her.

It still hurts, but it’s a different hurt, a shared one. Alice finally pulls back and pulls a bag of candy hearts out of the shopping bag. It’s plastic and pink and reminds Misa of Valentine’s Days past, of cards shyly exchanged and laughing over dinner at some too-expensive restaurant. The memories are bittersweet in her mouth, but she swallows them when Alice says, quietly,

“I know it won’t help much, Mimi,” Misa winces, she used to love that nickname, “But I know you’ve always liked these, so…” She offers the bag, and Misa wipes her eyes with no regard for her mascara. Alice was always the nice one, always thinking of Misa and their parents, but Misa, she never thought about it before now. She takes the bag and opens it clumsily, her muscles not quite working the way she wants them too. The hearts – pastel bunches of shaped sugar, pink and white and red – spill all over her wrinkled comforter, and together, they eat them.

Misa, she looks at each heart before she eats it, trying to find the right message. But they all say, “I love you,” and never, “I’m coming back.”