I got your PM to check this out. It was getting a bit late, and I read about half of it, because....well, I wasn't expecting it to be so long XD
I did have a few things that stuck out:
Mai was smart and sexy and confident, a Master Duelist, the only successful woman. (Rebecca didn’t count.)
The stuff in the parentheses could be taken out IMO, if you make it clear enough that this is manga base, as I'm sure most people would know Rebecca is anime-only and most certainly agree with the sentiment if they didn't.
It was a pity [Mokuba] was stuck with his brother he did
Did you mean to say "the brother he had"? *is unsure*
I also thought that section on Mokuba was a bit short, and not just because I like the little fellow ;) I think you could explain a bit better about how/why people think Kaiba doesn't care for Mokuba beyond him working as VP at eleven..
Aside form that, everything else looked okay. I liked everything I read so far, and I'll come back to this tomorrow!
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2008-04-07 04:47 am (UTC)I did have a few things that stuck out:
Mai was smart and sexy and confident, a Master Duelist, the only successful woman. (Rebecca didn’t count.)
The stuff in the parentheses could be taken out IMO, if you make it clear enough that this is manga base, as I'm sure most people would know Rebecca is anime-only and most certainly agree with the sentiment if they didn't.
It was a pity [Mokuba] was stuck with his brother he did
Did you mean to say "the brother he had"? *is unsure*
I also thought that section on Mokuba was a bit short, and not just because I like the little fellow ;) I think you could explain a bit better about how/why people think Kaiba doesn't care for Mokuba beyond him working as VP at eleven..
Aside form that, everything else looked okay. I liked everything I read so far, and I'll come back to this tomorrow!
:)