so. therapy.

[splinteredstar]

I'm kind of angry now.

Session on Monday? I was talking about my career and he talked about how important networking was, and I quipped that networking was hard when you have social anxiety.

Fucker had the /gall/ to call anxiety an "excuse".


I mean I acknowledge that I talk myself down and convince myself of the worst of things. And yeah, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of looking dumb or being awkward or incompetent. 

That doesn't mean it's an /excuse/

does he think that I have panic attacks because i /want/ them? does he think that being convinced that I'm never going to achieve anything in my life is /fun/?

Am I used to it? Sure. Am I sometimes resigned to it? Yes. But the implication that I /choose/ this, that I somehow /want/ to be a fuck up and that's the only reason my head is such an utter mess sometimes?

If I'm such a failure that I'll /choose/ it, then what the fuck am I bothering for?

I mean, I know what he was trying. "You have control of your own life! There are no problems, only challenges!" (That is a direct quote) Those sorts of things. Pseudo-encouraging bullshit. Which is /meaningless/ and frankly insulting.

But what the fuck am I supposed to say to him? "Hey, I find what you said really ableist and discouraging and frankly kind of an assholeish thing to say?" I don't have any power in this situation.

.....
....you know what? 
I don't owe this fucker anything.
I don't owe him my respect or my silence. I don't have to sit and let myself be talked to like I'm an idiot,  like he's a fucking messiah and i'm the ignorant fool, self-sabotaging out of weakness.
(For the record, I 'm not sure anyone goes out of their way to self-sabotage their goals. Human nature is one of survival. Someone may be /shit/ at surviving, but I'm not sure anyone is shit on purpose.) 

I don't think I'll go back. Not to him, at least. If they ask, I'll tell them why.
 

Comments

[veleda_k]

This, unfortunately, does not surprise me. This was a thing that actually happened to me, after all.

And what that experience taught me is that you could have said "Hey, I find what you said really ableist and discouraging and frankly kind of an assholeish thing to say," but it wouldn't have done any good.

There are two truths I have I learned from my years of therapy (in and out since I was nine): 1. Good therapists are really helpful and useful. 2. There are not many really good therapists. (Maybe other people who have had better luck than I have will chime in.)

You do not have to see him again. I don't think you should see him again. And I do encourage you to tell them exactly why. One of my regrets is I never told my victim blaming, smarmy therapist why I stopped seeing her. (Though she probably figured it out.)