being the smart girl

[splinteredstar]

So my Vibrations lab wasn’t fun today.
For context, as many of you know, I am a female Engineering student. Vibrations has six people in it, and I am the only woman. Usually, that doesn’t matter, or at least I don’t notice it. I keep to myself, but I did that anyway. If people talk about me I don’t hear about it.

But lab reminded me of the situation I’m in, of the sometimes precarious balance of The Smart Girl.

Situation went like this. One of my lab partners is a bit of goofball, of the “look at how wacky I am!” type. Irritating, but I can tolerate it. Then I had to explain the lab assignment to him because he hadn’t been listening to the professor’s explanation, and he proceeded to /not believe me/ and I had to go get the professor to back me up before he believed me.

About the third time this happened, I found myself much less charitable.

But at the same time, I was cringing in the inside. Because I recognized the look on his face after a while- I /know/ what it looks like when a guy is thinking, “great, I’m stuck with a bossy bitch.” I’ve seen it all my life, whenever I’m too smart or too confident or insist too loudly that I’m right.

I’m intimidating. I’m intense. I scare people and they don’t like me because of it. And I don’t know how to… not.

Maybe some people can. Maybe some women have learned the trick of being powerful without scaring people, of how to be right - and be heard as right - and still be liked. But I don’t know how. I don’t know how to have be smart and competent and not have people resent me.

Except by being…less.

Or at least, being less where people can see. Not speaking up in class so often, not taking the lead in lab. Not being quite so sure of my answers, hedging my logic with “maybe” and “I think so”. Because I’m still human and I still wanted to be liked. Because I’m going into a field where the deck is already stacked against me, and being likeable might be the only opportunity I get.

Except that eats away at my confidence, eats away at my self image. Makes me believe I am less, eventually. Because knowing that it’s the influence of a sexist society doesn’t work as an armor forever when I feel like I’m in a no-win scenario.

It’s just… tiring, sometimes.