splinteredstar | Porcelain Hearts and Silk Roses: Chapter Seven

Title: Porcelain Hearts and Silk Roses

Fandom: Death Note

Pairing: Misa/Light

Summary: Misa, she knew she was a silly sentimental girl, but Valentine's Day was still her favorite day of all. A series of seven one shots, over seven special days in her life. Spoilers through the whole series.

Rating: PG

Note: This is probably my favorite of the seven. It's also the most depressing. Characterdeath, but you all know what I'm talking about. I could not write a story about Misa's Valentine's without including this one.

Title: Cupid's Wings

Time: Postseries.

Misa, she didn’t cry when Matsuda told her what happened that day in the warehouse. She didn’t cry when he told her that her Light was Kira – she always knew, always always always, even though she had forgotten so many times, only her perfect Light could be her perfect God – that her Light was dead. She didn’t listen when he mumbled something about her not being prosecuted, that she was free to go.

Go? Go where? She had no home now.

Misa didn’t believe it at first, really, because Light was – is – Kira and Kira was – is! - God and God does not die. But then he didn’t call her – he was cold at times, but he always called her when he was out late, just to keep her from worrying – and he never came home. Then they took her to see his body and it was so cold and stiff and bloody and his suit is torn and that can’t be Light, can’t be, he was always so neat and tears were streaming down her face but she hardly noticed. She saw his face, twisted in terror and it’s all wrong, all wrong, and she was, in some small secret place in her mind, grateful that someone thought to close his eyes.

Matsuda had to lead her away, lead her to a place she once called home, and since then she doesn’t remember much, hasn’t thought much. Misa, she just sits at home waiting for a call that never comes, fingering a ring she bought for him months –years?- ago that she swore she would give to him on their wedding day. Time passes without her noticing, her mind flashing with faces, her parents and her sister and her Light, the tick of the clock impossible to hear under the sound of memories in her ears, screams she hasn’t heard in years. She almost hears Light’s screams, mixed in with her parent’s sobbing and pleading, and she just curls up on the sofa and pulls a pillow over her head.

There’s no great search for vengeance this time, no purpose for her life, because her god is dead and there’s nothing she can do. Her god is dead, her Light is dead, and that hurts more than anything, because it may have been a little bit sinful, but Light was always her boyfriend first. Light died, and his beautiful world was killed before it was born, his – their! – dream burnt to ash, and she knows that that should hurt more than losing him does. It doesn’t, though, and a selfish part of Misa’s heart wishes he had given up the note for real so they could have been happy, but she knows he would never be happy without his perfect world, and if he wasn’t happy she couldn’t be.

Matsuda would come by sometime, trying to talk to her, but Misa, she doesn’t answer the door. Matsuda is sweet and Matsuda is caring but Matsuda helped kill Misa’s Light and for that she will never ever forgive him. She would kill him, kill them all if she still had a notebook, and she almost considers killing them regardless, but whenever she thinks about it she thinks about Light and she starts crying again. She wants to be angry, but she’s too busy being hurt, and she knows there’s no point to killing them now. There’s no point to anything now.

It’s by chance, almost, that she glances at the calendar and sees the date. February 13th. She sobs, and her knees start to buckle, because no matter what else Light had going on he always tried to take her out on Valentine’s Day, the day she always demanded of him. He didn’t always succeed, but he tried, and somehow the fact that he can’t take her out this year means everything. It hits her, not for the first time, that her Light really is dead, and there is nothing that anyone can do. Nothing. She’ll never seen him again, never laugh and distract him from his work, never force him into a chair and play with his hair, never curl up next to him and dream with him of a new world.

There’s nothing she can do.

Except for one thing.

She stands up, and wipes her eyes. Misa, she has a plan now. She goes to bed, and the next morning she cleans up for the first time in weeks. She puts on her makeup, and her best dress, and spends hours curling her hair. It’s the first time that she goes fully Lolita in months, but it’s appropriate and it’s always been her favorite. She writes a quick note to dear Alice, her sister that always cared and helped her whenever she could, and another to Saichiko, who, no matter what she thought of Misa’s life, was kind to her son’s fiancé. Then she writes a third, one that will never be read in this life, to a monster with a human heart that did all she could for Misa.

Misa, she locks up her apartment and goes out walking. She barely hears the fans that recognize her on the street, walking past them without a word, and not answering the people who ask, worried, why her eyes are so red. Misa doesn’t care about any of them now, never really did, and she has more important things to think about now, and her steady sense of purpose seems to scare them away.

She walks to the top of the highest building she knows – a snippet of old, tattered memory remembers living in this building once, living with Light and another whose name she never knew – and walks to the very edge of the building. She stares at the Tokyo skyline for a moment, stares at the world her Light could never save, and takes another step.

Misa, she knows that her Light didn’t believe in an afterlife, but she does. She knows that he’s waiting for her, and she’ll fly to him on the wings of love.

And now I sleep.