splinteredstar (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
splinteredstar) wrote2016-09-29 11:34 pm
splinteredstar) wrote2016-09-29 11:34 pm
Entry tags:
crossposted and expanded from tumblr
but no, Shera. I don't even remember how old I was then - 12 or 13, I think. She was a YGO OC, who I paired up with Yami no Malik. Yeah, the stabby one, with the hedgehog hair. She was an assassin and a sadist and her - I think it was her face? - was burned and scarred from abuse. ...It might have been her back, I'm not sure. I don't think those files exist anywhere - if they were ever typed to begin with.
She was violent and soiciopathic and angry and she enjoyed blood and when Yami no Malik started developing goopy feelings at her she was deeply uncomfortable, because she did not sign up for /softness/, okay.
....Every now and then, I look back at my younger self and think "...kaaaaay." Like, I can see where she /came/ from, both culturally and in my brain, but. Still.
That part of my brain is one that I - still struggle with making peace with, sometimes. The part that glories in blood and violence and wreckless desctruction - the part that wants to burn the world, that wants to /break/. Rage, and anger, and pride, and control. Other people - don't matter, aren't really important. Break them if you want, it doesn't matter. It's a hunk of my psyche that - honestly frightens me, sometimes. But it's compelling, in the way monsters are.
(Also, it occurs to me that my taste in favorite characters - the terrible ones that I don't normally admit in public - makes a /lot/ more sense now. Give the monster a face, muzzle it by making it fictional - it can't hurt anyone, so it's safe to be fascinated.)
She was violent and soiciopathic and angry and she enjoyed blood and when Yami no Malik started developing goopy feelings at her she was deeply uncomfortable, because she did not sign up for /softness/, okay.
....Every now and then, I look back at my younger self and think "...kaaaaay." Like, I can see where she /came/ from, both culturally and in my brain, but. Still.
That part of my brain is one that I - still struggle with making peace with, sometimes. The part that glories in blood and violence and wreckless desctruction - the part that wants to burn the world, that wants to /break/. Rage, and anger, and pride, and control. Other people - don't matter, aren't really important. Break them if you want, it doesn't matter. It's a hunk of my psyche that - honestly frightens me, sometimes. But it's compelling, in the way monsters are.
(Also, it occurs to me that my taste in favorite characters - the terrible ones that I don't normally admit in public - makes a /lot/ more sense now. Give the monster a face, muzzle it by making it fictional - it can't hurt anyone, so it's safe to be fascinated.)