splinteredstar (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
splinteredstar) wrote2016-08-20 01:58 am
splinteredstar) wrote2016-08-20 01:58 am
Entry tags:
hey look i had a mess of emotions again
I have this thing where I. Overreact to shame, I think.
It goes like this. Someone makes a disparaging comment about a thing I enjoy or find comfort in, usually something I know isn't 100% Approved.
You know what, fuck it, I'll be specific.
So here we go. I ship kylux. (wtf is all my angst concentrated in this one fandom, christ. i almost want to leave it entirely, except it's my Special Interest and i'm not sure i can) I read and enjoy even soft kylux, where no one is a mass murderer and there's family angst but no one dies and there is snuggling and kittens
yes, it's ooc, but it makes me feel better, and that /matters/, damn it.
people who are not into this make comments along the lines of "you know they're evil right" and "why would you ship that, they're terrible" and just generally "you shouln't ship it/people who ship that annoy me/etc."
And that's fair? I mean. People are allowed to make their own comments about the state of fandom on their own blogs. People can have their own feelings and express them, that's fine.
And yeah, it is a twisting of the ship and the characters. They /are/ evil. I /know/ that.
And so I feel guilty. For enjoying from a ship that's been altered so much by the fandom. For enjoying trash fic. Because I know that I'm not /supposed/ to.
And then I feel pathetic, for being bothered so much by it. Other people are allowed to have their opinions, after all, and I know that what they're talking about is a thing that happens. Why the fuck do I get so upset over /fandom/?
And then I feel more guilty, because obviously I'm reacting to my own guilt. Because they're confirming what I don't want to think about. Because I am Uncomfortable With The Truth they Speak and am trying to hide from it, because I am Bad, and the things I use to comfort myself are Bad as well. I am being Convicted of my Sin
I started writing a fucking hux redemption arc this week and feeling guilty about it as much as I'm enjoying it. Isn't it terrible to try and redeem a space nazi? isn't it /disrespectful/? how /dare/ I make a monster sympathetic? why do i /care/ about him?
Yes, this all should start sounding familiar. Which begs the question: why the fuck do I still do this? I know what it is. I know it's the aftermath of abuse and shame. I know the reaction I'm having is unjustified and out of proportion and i hate it.
maybe because i'm not sure. maybe because a part of me still thinks, "I feel bad because i'm a bad person." because i can't /tell/ between guilt when I've actually done something wrong and when i've been triggered into thinking that.
so i always assume the former. that i feel bad because i'm a bad person and that any time I feel bad, it's because I'm trying to Hide From the Truth.
...fuck. I. I don't know if I've gone any further in fixing this bullshit. But I've at least expelled the bile for a bit
It goes like this. Someone makes a disparaging comment about a thing I enjoy or find comfort in, usually something I know isn't 100% Approved.
You know what, fuck it, I'll be specific.
So here we go. I ship kylux. (wtf is all my angst concentrated in this one fandom, christ. i almost want to leave it entirely, except it's my Special Interest and i'm not sure i can) I read and enjoy even soft kylux, where no one is a mass murderer and there's family angst but no one dies and there is snuggling and kittens
yes, it's ooc, but it makes me feel better, and that /matters/, damn it.
people who are not into this make comments along the lines of "you know they're evil right" and "why would you ship that, they're terrible" and just generally "you shouln't ship it/people who ship that annoy me/etc."
And that's fair? I mean. People are allowed to make their own comments about the state of fandom on their own blogs. People can have their own feelings and express them, that's fine.
And yeah, it is a twisting of the ship and the characters. They /are/ evil. I /know/ that.
And so I feel guilty. For enjoying from a ship that's been altered so much by the fandom. For enjoying trash fic. Because I know that I'm not /supposed/ to.
And then I feel pathetic, for being bothered so much by it. Other people are allowed to have their opinions, after all, and I know that what they're talking about is a thing that happens. Why the fuck do I get so upset over /fandom/?
And then I feel more guilty, because obviously I'm reacting to my own guilt. Because they're confirming what I don't want to think about. Because I am Uncomfortable With The Truth they Speak and am trying to hide from it, because I am Bad, and the things I use to comfort myself are Bad as well. I am being Convicted of my Sin
I started writing a fucking hux redemption arc this week and feeling guilty about it as much as I'm enjoying it. Isn't it terrible to try and redeem a space nazi? isn't it /disrespectful/? how /dare/ I make a monster sympathetic? why do i /care/ about him?
Yes, this all should start sounding familiar. Which begs the question: why the fuck do I still do this? I know what it is. I know it's the aftermath of abuse and shame. I know the reaction I'm having is unjustified and out of proportion and i hate it.
maybe because i'm not sure. maybe because a part of me still thinks, "I feel bad because i'm a bad person." because i can't /tell/ between guilt when I've actually done something wrong and when i've been triggered into thinking that.
so i always assume the former. that i feel bad because i'm a bad person and that any time I feel bad, it's because I'm trying to Hide From the Truth.
...fuck. I. I don't know if I've gone any further in fixing this bullshit. But I've at least expelled the bile for a bit
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