Ack! I’m sooooo sorry for taking this long, but I wanted to sound intelligent. Also as soon as I finished Book, I got snowed under at work, and am just now popping my head up ^^;;;;;;;;
I like the grumpy tone in the beginning of the first one. I like how disgruntled Kaiba is by the thought of magic (and the prideshipper in me loved Kaiba growling to himself that a duel was ALL he was itching for regarding Yami no Yugi.) And the idea of Kaiba punching out the god of fate was funny – I wish it could happen literally!
The one paragraph I think you could expand on was the one beginning: “There was a reason Mokuba had suggested…” I’m assuming it’s because he loves it and is better at in than anyone, but it would be interesting to hear Mokuba’s reasoning as filtered by Kaiba. Also it took me a couple of reads to realize the “He” in “He was better” referred to Kaiba and NOT Mokuba.
I really liked the ending – mainly because it seems like a beginning (lol) Am I right in assuming his appointment is with Snape or some other Hogwarts representative? I have to admit the idea of Kaiba at Hogwarts having to deal with magic on a daily basis is irresistible. Not to mention I really want to see his face when someone calls him a “Muggle.” Even if he has no clue what it means, the silliness of the name would have to get to him. And now that I think about it, given his anger that he and Mokuba are not stray dogs from the gutter, I really, really wouldn’t want to be anywhere in range if someone calls him a mudblood. Probably a good thing they don’t teach killing curses at Hogwarts….
I thought the second one was really interesting. That’s one of my favorite moments – when Kaiba wakes up. It’s really sniffle provoking to think of him doing so to find Kaiba gone.
I liked the almost contemplative tone of the beginning. It reminds me of how when you see the image of his younger self putting the puzzle back, he’s smiling. And I also liked the way you mixed in a sense of how his perfectionism is really driven by desperation, especially in the paragraph that begins, “But other than that, he still had work to do…”
I really liked it from “So those bastards would take not just his heart, but his soul as well…”
First because I love the description of Mokuba and his deck as his heart and soul. In a bit of a tangent – in his duel with Pegasus, Kaiba makes it quite clear which is the more important.
Also the story really builds from there and gets more intense and powerful until the end. I liked how there was a sense of things building and leading up to his determination to return – even if it means leaving his soul unfinished – because without Mokuba, nothing, not even his soul matters. And, really, without Mokuba, his soul is incomplete.
I think you’re being hard on yourself about what you have here. If you’re looking for suggestions on what you can look at, I think maybe the part from “He reached for the piece of his heart… to “So those bastards…” I think you have all the right thoughts there but it feels a little low energy. The moment when he realizes Mokuba is missing, must have been an incredibly intense one. It ties into his almost killing Mokuba in the first place, his feelings of failure for not being a better protector, and his fear about losing him. Also Kaiba hates indecision and here he is torn about what to do. I might stay with and explore that more.
Anyway thanks for posting this! One of the things that’s always gotten me is how Kaiba chooses to leave with his soul incomplete, then goes on to duel and try to rescue his brother when he is so badly damaged himself. Hhmmmnnnn I guess it was business as usual…
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I like the grumpy tone in the beginning of the first one. I like how disgruntled Kaiba is by the thought of magic (and the prideshipper in me loved Kaiba growling to himself that a duel was ALL he was itching for regarding Yami no Yugi.) And the idea of Kaiba punching out the god of fate was funny – I wish it could happen literally!
The one paragraph I think you could expand on was the one beginning: “There was a reason Mokuba had suggested…” I’m assuming it’s because he loves it and is better at in than anyone, but it would be interesting to hear Mokuba’s reasoning as filtered by Kaiba. Also it took me a couple of reads to realize the “He” in “He was better” referred to Kaiba and NOT Mokuba.
I really liked the ending – mainly because it seems like a beginning (lol) Am I right in assuming his appointment is with Snape or some other Hogwarts representative? I have to admit the idea of Kaiba at Hogwarts having to deal with magic on a daily basis is irresistible. Not to mention I really want to see his face when someone calls him a “Muggle.” Even if he has no clue what it means, the silliness of the name would have to get to him. And now that I think about it, given his anger that he and Mokuba are not stray dogs from the gutter, I really, really wouldn’t want to be anywhere in range if someone calls him a mudblood. Probably a good thing they don’t teach killing curses at Hogwarts….
I thought the second one was really interesting. That’s one of my favorite moments – when Kaiba wakes up. It’s really sniffle provoking to think of him doing so to find Kaiba gone.
I liked the almost contemplative tone of the beginning. It reminds me of how when you see the image of his younger self putting the puzzle back, he’s smiling. And I also liked the way you mixed in a sense of how his perfectionism is really driven by desperation, especially in the paragraph that begins, “But other than that, he still had work to do…”
I really liked it from “So those bastards would take not just his heart, but his soul as well…”
First because I love the description of Mokuba and his deck as his heart and soul. In a bit of a tangent – in his duel with Pegasus, Kaiba makes it quite clear which is the more important.
Also the story really builds from there and gets more intense and powerful until the end. I liked how there was a sense of things building and leading up to his determination to return – even if it means leaving his soul unfinished – because without Mokuba, nothing, not even his soul matters. And, really, without Mokuba, his soul is incomplete.
I think you’re being hard on yourself about what you have here. If you’re looking for suggestions on what you can look at, I think maybe the part from “He reached for the piece of his heart… to “So those bastards…” I think you have all the right thoughts there but it feels a little low energy. The moment when he realizes Mokuba is missing, must have been an incredibly intense one. It ties into his almost killing Mokuba in the first place, his feelings of failure for not being a better protector, and his fear about losing him. Also Kaiba hates indecision and here he is torn about what to do. I might stay with and explore that more.
Anyway thanks for posting this! One of the things that’s always gotten me is how Kaiba chooses to leave with his soul incomplete, then goes on to duel and try to rescue his brother when he is so badly damaged himself. Hhmmmnnnn I guess it was business as usual…