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so the supervisor i normally get along with made a gay/disabled joke today. referred to california as "the land of fruits and nuts" - look at all the queers and crazies they've got over there, isn't it weird? we definitely don't have any of those here. we're /normal/ here.
*rubs eyes*
I need this job. I need health insurance or I will die. I need to be able to get therapy, I need to be able to buy meds, I need to be able to fix my teeth. I have bills. This is my first engineering job - if I fuck this up, I'll be pretty damn fucked for a while.
It's legal to be fired for homosexuality in this state.
I need this job.
And that means not picking fights with supervisors who seem to like me otherwise. That means not rocking the boat, at least not until I can be sure that I'm not gonna get thrown overboard for it. That means smiling and playing along nicely and goddamn it
I feel like I coward. Don't I have a duty to my siblings? Don't I have a duty to confront this shit where I find it? If I let is slide, aren't I a part of the problem?
Okay.  Options.
1. Talk to him about it. Risk outing myself. Come off as "over sensitive" and no fun, make him like me less. Lower my chances of getting a permanent slot.
2. Anon note to HR. Worst case: he gets taken out and the department is given over to the angry sexist I like even less.
3. Keep my mouth shut. Don't smile at his jokes but don't call him out on them either. Don't come out at work, don't talk about queer friends. Pretend it never happened and stay safe.

Fuck.  The world is supposed to be better now. These kinds of calculations shouldn't be necessary.

People talk about "passing priviledge"  like it isn't a different kind of torture. like I don't have to deal with people who wink and say one way or another "you're one of us, after all, you're on /our/ side."  They feel /safe/ with me, they feel /open./

I mean. I know. I don't have to risk direct violence on my person. I have a /chance/ at jobs, at housing, at survival. But only if no one finds out, only if I keep the truth of what I am buried deep inside my chest and never let it out.

It would be easier if I was brave enough to burn my bridges. There are times I wish I was more visibly queer, more visibly disabled, more obviously /other/ so that this would stop happening. So that i wouldn't have to /choose/ between honesty and survival. Yeah, I'd still be fucked, but at least I wouldn't have done it to myself.

(it feels like there's a monster buried in my chest, something pounding at my rib cage. If people see they'll put me down like the beast I am, so I have to keep it locked away.

sometimes I wish the monstrosity was on the outside, where everyone could see. Maybe I'd die but at least I'd be free for a little while. At least it would be /over/, instead of this terrified waiting. The sword's gonna drop, one day or another, and it's so exhausting waiting for it.)
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Am now in my college apartment! Moving in was, in polite terms, An Adventure.

cut )
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Well, I'm trying again with a new therapist.

here we go )
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I'm kind of angry now.

Session on Monday? I was talking about my career and he talked about how important networking was, and I quipped that networking was hard when you have social anxiety.

Fucker had the /gall/ to call anxiety an "excuse".

cut for ranting )
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for one of my classes, we're doing a project. and for my project I wanted to do engineering analysis of bone. I got some deer legs, but my prof wants them to be clean before they come into the lab, so I'm doing that now.

I was pulling them out of the oven where I was boiling them, when one of my roommates' best friends (who has been irritatingly friendly to me this whole semester, coming to talk to me despite very clear "fuck off" signals) came over asked me what I was doing. 

So I told her. I explained the experiment that I was doing (seeing how vibrations transfer through bone) and that I really /wanted/ to do human bone but couldn't get any.... by the end (and especially at the part where I told her it's legal to buy human bone) she had that alarmde slightly-too-wide look in her eyes.

I may or may not be cackling a bit now. She's insisted on getting to know me this whole time.... not my fault if what she finds isn't what she expected.
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It was weird. I sort of splorted my personal history everywhere in a disorganized mess. He gave me tips on how to do breathing exercises, and explained some of the physiological reasons as to why it works. Which was nice, as I’d never thought about that before.

No idea how I feel about it past that.
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So, as some of you know, I have sort of stumbled face first into being president of a club. The added pressure, among other things, has done horrible things to my already fucked brain chemistry, and I’ve been having panic attacks over it.

Today I went in to talk to my adviser, who is also the faculty for the club. I wanted to be upfront about it - I have panic attacks, this is stressing me out, I’ll do the best I can but I don’t know if that will be enough.

It went well. She was understanding - said there had been other club leaders with anxiety issues, told me about things I shouldn’t worry about and reminded me that this was to gain experience and have fun. And she said if there was anything she could do to help, or if there was anything that she was doing wrong, let her know.

And I appreciate that. So yeah. I think I might be able to handle this.


Sep. 15th, 2014 11:20 pm
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so it looks like on top of being homophobic and the sort of people who watch Big Brother uniroincally, my roommates and their friends have decided that I, as an introvert who spends most nights with her homework and her computer, I must be Miserable and Lonely and needing a Friendly Hand.

And so I am now someone's Project. Titled "Save The Introvert from her own Preferences!"

Blrg. I haven't had to put up with this bullshit since high school.

Tonight she flopped on my roommate's bed, told me about a thing that's coming up, and then stared at my roommates' poster of some hot guy. (Honestly, I don't know the differences between any of them.) She asked me if I thought he was hot, and I said no, not my type. Then the "so who do you liiiiike" started, because we're /12/ apparently.

I refused to answer. She tried to say she wouldn't judge, even though I've /heard/ her say homophobic things before, so pretty sure she would. She eventually did the "I'm bugging you, aren't iiiii" thing that's supposed to make you go "no, no, it's fine" but in my case (recognizing the emotional ploy easily) makes me raise my eyebrows as a hint.

These people aren't seeking out shared interests or common ground. It's like they look at me and think, "that person is alone. obviously they must be miserable. solution: shove them into a new situation with PEOPLE. WE CAN RESCUE THEM."

They /pity/ me, and few things piss me off faster.
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So my Vibrations lab wasn’t fun today.
For context, as many of you know, I am a female Engineering student. Vibrations has six people in it, and I am the only woman. Usually, that doesn’t matter, or at least I don’t notice it. I keep to myself, but I did that anyway. If people talk about me I don’t hear about it.

But lab reminded me of the situation I’m in, of the sometimes precarious balance of The Smart Girl.

cut for length )


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Better today than yesterday. I got out of the house for a while and made a little bit of progress on things. I'm in pain, but then again I usually am, though at the moment it's difficult to walk. I think I pulled a muscle in my leg. Or my body is being an asshole. Hard to tell.
Still terrified about class, but, progress is being made. I think I might just curl up for a while tonight.
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Interview survived. I think it went well? Answered the questions and he seemed to like my responses.

I'll hear back in a couple of weeks.
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on tuesday with a bio energy company

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C. Which is pretty good for higher level math in four weeks.

I think I'm going to buy myself some music to celebrate.
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At least so far. And now I sleep. and try to clean my room with all my college stuff exploded everywhere.

And maybe write. Eventually.
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As of last Friday, I finished up my first internship. It was, as many of you know… kind of a trip. In a lot of ways.

I mean, I knew that as a queer woman it would be rough. I knew that I was going into one of the most socially conservative and male dominated industries out there. I knew that going in, but nothing prepare you for the brunt of it. The casual queerphobia let me know that I could not be out to people that I liked and wanted to be friends with, with all the psychological costs of that. Then there was the sexism, casual and institutionalized – being called “kid”, having shop guys give me funny looks every time I went down to look at something; having the wonderful internal debate of “is this guy friendly, or is he flirting?”

About that last one. My last day, a manager from another I had worked with a bit came by my cube. He had always been a bit friendlier than I was comfortable with, but, hell, what was I gonna say? He talked for a bit and then, unprompted, gave me his email address and told me to stay in touch.

I am 90% sure that was flirting, and have since “lost” that email address.

Can these things be fixed? I don’t know. I don’t know if I can do it alone, if I can stand the psychological costs of fighting these things. Maybe it would be easier to just say fuck it and move to a less conservative state, but that’s not really feasible.

Good thing I’m stubborn.

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"nothing is forever"

it reads "nothing is forever"

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So. I have an internship, right? Signed on for a semester but everyone reassured me that they’d keep me afterwards. Interns never leave, I was told.

So today I asked about how I should adjust my hours for the summer. I was told that due to the slow business (which I had noted) my contract would end May 9th.

…..I should have planned for this, but I haven’t.

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so. this week i have been shoved at a project and fucked it up because the person who shoved me doesn't tell me a /damn/ thing about the project or how to do it; locked myself out of my car; and  today, been in such intense, random-ass pain that I had to go home from work three hours into my shift because I was in too much pain to focus. I work in an office. (we have since decided that is likely a sprained muscle.)

all of this while being emotionally and physically exhausted.


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I was in a car accident today. Driver pulled out in front of me.

I am not hurt. A bit sore, and i"ll probably have seatbelt bruises, but I am not hurt.

My car, on the other hand....

Looking into rentals. Then I might pass out for a few hours.


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