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writing is therapy for me. writing is how i understand myself. posting is a way of making those understandings real, proving that i did it through the reaction of others and gaining new understanding through communication and discussion.

why the fuck should i let other people dictate the terms of my healing?

and yet. there's still the voice in my head: what if your healing hurts others, what if you're just making excuses, what if you just tried harder, what if, what if.

(sometimes it feels like i'm being torn apart.)

all right.

let's set some points here.

1. i do not do things lightly. I consider things, i think through them, I analyze why I do and feel things. I have been told this by people who are not prone to lying. I am as confident of this as I am of any facet of my personality.

    1.a. thus "yes it's an unfortunate pattern but it's okay for me" is unlikely to be an excuse. I do the analysis and the underpinning and the work.

    1.b. remember, excuses only work because they could be true.

2. Emotional responses are what they are. They are not good or bad or wrong or right. Likewise, identification with a character is what it is.

    2.a. thus: I do not have to allow anyone else to set the limits of my identity. I am do     not have to allow someone else to determine what is or is not meaningful to me

    2.b. personal symbolism is /personal/. personal meaning is /personal/.

3. Monsters are monsters because they are selfish. Because they put their own desires above what other people need. Because they don't care about others.

    3.a. however; sometimes you need to be selfish. sometimes you have to put yourself first. sometimes you have to stop caring.

    3.b. i am not obligated to set myself on fire to keep other people warm. especially not if they have blankets, not if there are other ways for them to keep warm.

    3.c. i am allowed to put myself first

i don't know if it'll be as clear and stable as this in an week or an hour.

but right now this feel real and true, and that's enough. that might be all i ever get, so it's gonna have to be.

(I am allowed to trust myself.)
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I'm sleep depped and it's been a bad brain week (of the "self harm via upsetting blog posts" variety) and last night I went through a spat of "oh hey look it's someone who thinks darkfic directly causes sexual assault let's read their blog for a half hour" and, well, that was that. Thankfully Nen was online to talk me through the inevitable anxiety attack and sick feeling in my stomach.

But it's still in the back of my mind, and I think I have some Thoughts about it.  So, here we go. Also, writing these out makes me feel better.
My first instinct this morning was to pull out a particular selection of music - alice cooper, Lordi, avenge sevenfold, that kind of thing.  Darkness and power, glory and domination, sexualized violence and violent sexuality. Fear me. Worship me. Hallowed be my name.

And then I stopped and thought - okay, so /why/ is that comforting to me? It would make moralizers clutch their pearls and gasp, sure, but that's not all. It - makes me feel better about myself, takes away some of the sickness in my throat.

And I thought - I want to feel powerful. I want to feel untouchable.  I will be the storm, the desert, the conquering darkness and the stain of blood. If I'm going to be a monster, then I want to be the /best/.

(There's a reason I identify with Kylo Ren as strongly as I do.)

It's not something I feel all the time. It's not someone I want to be in real life. But it's there when I need it.

But, the thing is....  this isn't something that girls are... supposed to feel. I know that's an awful way of phrasing it, but it's the only way I can think to say it. Girls don't want darkness, don't feel like the world only makes sense when they're at war. Girls don't feel the sick urge for violence crawling up their throat, addicted to the rush of power. Women don't identify with characters like that. Women identify with women before they identify with /monsters/.

The people who /do/ identify with monsters, who are expected to, who are Supposed to be those types -They're shitty straight white boys. I think I called him That Guy once - the Health Ledger Joker fanboy, the Tyler Durden fanboy, who collects guns and is way too interested in serial killers and nazis. Entitled boys who think they deserve the world and throw tantrums when they don't. The insecure nerd with dark eyeliner and prop weapons.

Girls don't /do/ that.

And then there's me.

It makes me feel guilty. Like I'm... failing some feminist duty or some shit, identifying with the people everyone else calls the enemy. Finding comfort in what some people call the worst parts of masculinity.

( It's - about the only thing that causes me dysmorphia, tbh. It's the one of the things convinced me that I was nb - the rush of /relief/ when I realized that I didn't have to identify with women above all else, that I didn't have to identify primarily on lines of gender. I didn't have to pretend that I had something in common with them just because we share genitals.

I honestly don't know if that's a me problem or a them problem. Is it a shitty definition of womanhood or am I not really a woman? I have no idea.) 

Feminism doesn't get it, it feels like. Social justice doesn't get it.

25 years and I still exist in a different world. No matter how much they talk about acceptance and redefining womanhood, their definitions still don't have words for me.  I'm still the thing from beyond their universe, warping things beyond recognition simply by being around them.

(If I were a monster, I wouldn't /care/.)

I - as usual, I don't have a solution. I've just named the problem. It's just so - well, frustrating on a good day, to see this total breach of experience that no one on their side seems to see.

I don't know if I've made any progress. But I've articulated myself, at least kind of. So there's that.


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