splinteredstar: (Default)

So, as some of you know, I have sort of stumbled face first into being president of a club. The added pressure, among other things, has done horrible things to my already fucked brain chemistry, and I’ve been having panic attacks over it.

Today I went in to talk to my adviser, who is also the faculty for the club. I wanted to be upfront about it - I have panic attacks, this is stressing me out, I’ll do the best I can but I don’t know if that will be enough.

It went well. She was understanding - said there had been other club leaders with anxiety issues, told me about things I shouldn’t worry about and reminded me that this was to gain experience and have fun. And she said if there was anything she could do to help, or if there was anything that she was doing wrong, let her know.

And I appreciate that. So yeah. I think I might be able to handle this.

rrrg.

Sep. 15th, 2014 11:20 pm
splinteredstar: (Default)

so it looks like on top of being homophobic and the sort of people who watch Big Brother uniroincally, my roommates and their friends have decided that I, as an introvert who spends most nights with her homework and her computer, I must be Miserable and Lonely and needing a Friendly Hand.

And so I am now someone's Project. Titled "Save The Introvert from her own Preferences!"

Blrg. I haven't had to put up with this bullshit since high school.

Tonight she flopped on my roommate's bed, told me about a thing that's coming up, and then stared at my roommates' poster of some hot guy. (Honestly, I don't know the differences between any of them.) She asked me if I thought he was hot, and I said no, not my type. Then the "so who do you liiiiike" started, because we're /12/ apparently.

I refused to answer. She tried to say she wouldn't judge, even though I've /heard/ her say homophobic things before, so pretty sure she would. She eventually did the "I'm bugging you, aren't iiiii" thing that's supposed to make you go "no, no, it's fine" but in my case (recognizing the emotional ploy easily) makes me raise my eyebrows as a hint.

These people aren't seeking out shared interests or common ground. It's like they look at me and think, "that person is alone. obviously they must be miserable. solution: shove them into a new situation with PEOPLE. WE CAN RESCUE THEM."

They /pity/ me, and few things piss me off faster.
splinteredstar: (Default)
C. Which is pretty good for higher level math in four weeks.

I think I'm going to buy myself some music to celebrate.
splinteredstar: (Default)
my dreams were full of dystopias and a broken down city, and fighting back against their rule by raising crops and animals in secret. There was also a point where old people were paid to act as railroad barriers, because the actual machinery for the barriers had broken down. I'm pretty sure that was a metaphor, but for what who knows.

I got all of my tests back. Two D's an a F. With the quizes, I'm still passing dynamics and strengths. Math, not so much. But I'll have to ask him how he factors in homework, because if he does, I'll be fine.

I started playing Pokemon Platinum this week, because I love the game mostly. It's my favorite (though bw/bw2 are close). I love all of the characters and Team Galactic and Cyrus and Girantina. (It's the pokegod of antimatter, for fuck's sake.) 

I'm going with an evil/mischief based team. My character is named Loki, and is female. I briefly tried to look up a female equivalent to him and then thought "FUCK IT I'M LADY LOKI." Team is currently Cthulhu (Tentacool),  Samara, (Rotom), Erik (Cubone), Sun Wukong (Chimchar), Wrexsoul (Spiritomb), and Sven (Sneasel). Links go to their namesakes. Sven doesn't get one because he's named after a character I had when I was like 15.

As you may have noticed, pokemon naming is serious business. It's fun.

Also, Looker. I'd forgotten how amazing he is.

I still haven't edited any of the things I need to. I have a break coming up, but the new pokemon game comes out just before it....so, yeah. kiiinda claimed.

Oh yeah, forgot. I went to goodwill yesterday, and found like, three different Shakespeare plays! So King Lear, Macbeth, and Hamlet all came home with me.
splinteredstar: (Default)
This was one of those weeks.


Three tests in two days. One of which immediately after a career fair where I talked to seven companies in the span of an hour.

I failed that one. Apparently the class average was 60. I was a 49. But she's offering extra credit, so. Planning on taking advantage of that.

Working on a project. Am behind on it. Club president gave me funny looks for that, as if he has oodles of free time.

I keep meaning to post the next chapter of that kh thing. but haven't had the energy to do much editing. the inside of my head feels hollow.

...think that's all I've got.
splinteredstar: (Nyaaaaaaan)
there were on "street preachers" campus today. lunatics with signs (one of them was wearing a sandwich board, which I thought was adorable as I didn't know people actually did that) explaining our sins to us. Included such gems as "girls who aren't virgins deserve to be raped", "women should belong to a man", and "aids is god's punishment for gays." 

this being a college campus full of young people, the main response was to congregate for the street theatre and troll the shit out of them.

I held a sign that said "yay for gay" for a while. People cheered for his "testimony" of how he drank and smoked pot in fifth grade, calling him a badass child. apparently later people in blue body suits showed up later.

as a comic I like once said, "Man cannot live on bread alone - he lives off of bread and circuses." 

And it was kind of glorious, the unity it caused. The spontaneous friendships that were able to form with "hey, what about this asshole?" as an opener. And people were exposed to that sort of insanity for the first time, so they could understand some of the forces in the world.

Some people were taking them seriously, which was less fun. You don't respond to hate with hatred, that just justifies them. (There's a verse in Matthew that I curse repeatedly some days) But some people got it. trolling is more fun than shouting. but it got personal and messy, so.



Honestly, lunatics with signs aren't worth wasting energy on. If they had any power, they wouldn't be shouting and wearing signs. They'd be in congress. But lunatics with signs should be allowed, of course. Because they're allowed to be crazy just like we are, and besides, better have them out in the open.

It's easier to laugh at them that way.

splinteredstar: (Kimbley)
First things first: this week was long and awful. Period started, homework kicked my ass, and sleep occasionally didn't happen. Though that last part was kind of my own fault, as I have a love-hate relationship with horror stories.

One day I'll learn, but apparently not yet.

I finished coloring a picture. I just haven't scanned it yet. it worked out well, I think. Used the horrible line art to my advantage. The lovely princess managed to not have any eyes drawn in. So I of course assumed she was a hell beast assuming human form and gave her red eyes. Will scan it...later. When I haul my scanner out.

The capstone of this week was yesterday. I had volunteered to help with the opening of the new engineering lab building, not really knowing what that implied. It lasted longer than anticipated. I got there at one and we were finished a bit after four. I showed up, got my tshirt, and managed to put it on backwards. One of my professors talked to me for five minutes without telling me I'd done so. (Thanks, prof.) 

After I fixed that, I was basically a booth babe. I hung around the machines and explained what some of them did - lathes to be exact - and made conversation. Was briefly interviewed for the student paper. Talked to random people about the building, which is admittedly pretty snazzy, and classmates who wandered by. Managed to not make complete fool out of self.

Then as I was leaving, one of the tents for the event, which apparently hadn't been tied down... caught the wind, and went flying.

Into someone's car.

I thought "oh, well, shit, I should probably see if I can free that car," so I did.

The person who owned the car was close behind me, so we managed to get the tent off. And he discovered that his car had been scratched up, as that is what happens when it gets attacked by carnivorous tents. (Though the tent got the worst of it, with some of its supports sheered in half.) Then we hung out considering what to do, because fuck if he was going to pay for fixing his car. So we called security to file a claim, and I stuck around as a "yeah this totally happened" witness.

So that was exciting.

And then I was tired and grumpy and overheated, and glooped around in my room for a while. Relaxation was aided with a cup of tea with some pear vodka mixed in, and I set to writing. Only managed a bit, and then got distracted.

Then, after a while, I realized what I had started doing. Being slightly drunk is nice, relaxing and letting me forget the pressure I feel sometimes. A brief period of time when nothing matters, and it's incredibly tempting.

It is also a dumb fucking idea. 

I have way too many alcoholics in my family and too much familiarity with my own brain to want to go down that path. Catching myself thinking that alcohol is a release, or a way to write, or even a way to help me sleep - I don't want to go there.

I poured out the rest of the bottle, and I'm not going to be buying more.

So, this week in summary: miserable with good decisions made anyway.

splinteredstar: (bowie)
wonder if I can make posts a weekly thing. might be interesting.

So I've had a week of class. Seems to be going well so far. Most of my profs I've had before. My adviser is still nice, favorite lunatic prof is still a lunatic (engineering and opened class with french classical music. twice.) One prof I haven't had before is my calculus prof, and he's an adorable tiny enthusiastic Asian man. He does not bounce but it is a near thing.

Am trying to be friendly and outgoing this time around, with like, roommates and things. I normally hermit myself away and only do the normal "hi bye" things, but this lot seem friendly and aren't weirded out by me yet, so. I have an instinctual "everyone will hate me" response, and I'm testing that out by actually giving them a chance to like me.

I'm also joining clubs on campus. Though I will fully admit that's more a "shit, need to pad out my resume" response than any friendliness. Though I am interested in meeting other engineers.

On that note, have sent my resume to several places. No bites yet. Am trying to not feel like it's a judgement on my worth as a person.

Thanks to the mess of last week, I'm actually looking into local therapists. I've reached the "shit, I am not dealing with this am I" point, and acknowledged that I might need outside help. (Thank you, to everyone who encouraged me to do so.) I've found one that's promising. Apparently deals with gay and lesbian issues, which I am hoping means inclusion and not conversion therapy.

Still working on short story. Will probably post it when I've finished the first draft.
splinteredstar: (Kimbley)
She is a freshman.

This will be interesting.
splinteredstar: (Nyaaaaaaan)
90/100.

Let the gleeful squeaking commence.
splinteredstar: (Nyaaaaaaan)
Was kind of worried about some of them.

...except physics isn't in yet because of Reasons. But I'm pretty sure I'm okay with that.
splinteredstar: (Nyaaaaaaan)
 I'm back home and...well, mostly unpacked. 

Also I'm not a corpse! Just feel like one. A little bit. 

I know I passed thermo, at least. Other classes are yet to be seen. 

*flails*
 

splinteredstar: (Default)
It is abstract. Abstract is hard, but it's working out.

It is inspired by the Greatest Song, Rhythm Thief by Sparks.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=etUIJwhaE1Q

The video is also awesome.


I was distracted these weeks, so I didn't take a lot of early shots. Don't worry, they were mostly boring.
photoooos )

so. will post finished shots when I have them.



splinteredstar: (Pride)
art project due on monday. reliquary box to hold something precious.

I decided to let the creepy out this time. Bones and eyeballs and stuff.
booooox )

So. Behold the box. ...it needs a name. hm
splinteredstar: (bowie)
It was still standing and apparently stable!

It just about works, I think.
slightly more flying fish than angel, but oh well )
splinteredstar: (Pride scribble)
This is what happened this year, roughly in chronological order: 

-My then girlfriend making an utter shit show of her life
-Switching majors
-Grandmother dying Christmas morning.
-Getting kicked in face by new major
-Mom having a cancer scare
-Breaking up with girlfriend
-Getting a new job
-Getting into a car accident
-Having panic attacks at work
-Helping brother move on short notice after his roommates threatened to kill him
-Getting into *another* car accident
-Funeral for Grandmother
-Finding out my best friend had a major depressive episode (that I didn't know about) that's still fucking her over
-Taking physics with the professor my girlfriend cheated on me with
-Getting kicked in face by major again
-Mother losing job
-Finding out I failed calculus


That is twelve months. And I'm pretty sure I'm forgetting something.


I am out of feelings. Just. Completely out of them. I don't even have much panic left.



All I can do is keep walking.



splinteredstar: (bowie)
So. On the plus side - finals are over! I do not know what my grades are yet. But I am at least half certain that I didn't fail.

On the down side, my mother was fired from her job. It was her own fault. We've talked about it, and I'm not mad at her. But there are plenty of places in the area that she can apply. We'll see what happens.

I'm too tired for more detail.

Edit:

Okay, explanation. My mother is a nurse, she made a medication error that could have (but did not) cause bodily harm. This is the second time in six months, so, she was let go. She waited until after my physics final to tell me, for which I am grateful. Now, my first instinct is "WTF DID YOU DO." and general rage, because, well, she did kind of fuck herself over and my life will be more difficult because of it. But we talked about it and I clarified that she accepted responsibility and knew how to prevent this happening in the future, so, I'm not angry.

As long as she's willing to learn from her mistakes and not blame other people, well, that's all we can do and we'll move on. (otherwise there might have been shouting.) Harsh, maybe. But no harsher than I am on myself. It's the standard I try to hold myself to, it's only fair I hold her to it.  We'll get through, and it's not like there aren't a dozen places around here that hire nurses.


On the "i don't even know" side, my new roommate is apparently moving in tomorrow instead of in a couple of weeks with the new semester, so that'll be fun. Chinese (possibly) girl, seemed about as painfully awkward as I felt. I'll keep my stuff out of the way and then make myself scarce.

I don't even know how I feel right now.
splinteredstar: (Nyaaaaaaan)
I have taken four tests today! I am not dead! I am also getting over my sickness!

Though I am going to buy myself some ice cream after dinner. Because some days you just look at the universe and say "fuck it, I'm buying ice cream." 
splinteredstar: (omg)
i have four tests this week, finals next week, and according to the doctor i saw this morning, acute sinusitis.

i'm pretty sure i'm dead. at least i'll be too tired/awful feeling to panic.

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