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...just downloaded an extension that allows me to block myself from accessing tumblr after a set period of time. because while i love the people there i absolutely do not have the spoons for the website as a whole some times.
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He is Finn, and now he has to decide what that means.

Finn, adjusting to life at the Resistance and choosing what he wants to do next.

This would not be the fic that it is without the advice, feedback, and insight of [personal profile] nenya85[personal profile] nenya85 

Beta work provided by the indispensable

[personal profile] veleda_k .


(warnings: mild ptsd, the aftermath of abuse, conflicted emotions about abusive situations, people trying to help without quite knowing how. Also, war is complex. There’s no abuse on screen, but the recovery from it is central.)
Small Victory )
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Fic: Aftermath

Fandom: Once Upon A Time (In Space), a concept album/audio book which can be bought Here

For the incomparable [personal profile] veleda_k , who threw this album at me a few times until it stuck. Sorry it's not about Sleeping Beauty.

Cinders and Snow, and the grief they share between them. It doesn't get any easier to deal with, but at least it doesn't get any worse. (Except when it does.) 

Aftermath )

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Okay, this is gonna be one of those posts where I rant about things on tumblr but don't post about it there because I don't feel like opening up that can of snakes. (For those of you who are on both: as always, if I have the opportunity, this is something I would address personally. I do not vaugeblog. This is about social trends, not individuals.)

This is about a very specific trend in SW: TFA discourse, one that annoys the hell out of me.

cut )
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Looking back on the things I’ve written here lately, this has been developing for a while.


cw: abuse mention, self hatred, discussion of terrible philosphies, religion )


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...god in heaven, why do I get an anxiety attack like it's my job to fix the entirety of fandom.

so my otp happens to fall into Unfortunate Fandom Trend X. OP was explicit that there's nothing wrong with liking the ship, it's the pattern that's bad. And it's a real pattern, i know it is.

I talk about the female and poc characters and support works featuring them. I hardly ever blog about my otp in that fandom. Hell, I don't even /write/ in that fandom.

so why the hell do i feel so awful now? why do I feel guilty, as if I am personally responsible for Unfortunate Fandom Trend X and have been remiss at fixing it? Why do i feel like i've been gut punched at the slightest hint that I'm Doing Fandom Wrong, that I'm not enjoying it the way I'm Supposed To?

(If I were a good person, I'd be interested in the right characters, identify with the people I'm supposed to. I can't be the person I'm supposed to be. I've tried.)

Maybe it's my own fault. Maybe I'm too sensitive, too sheltered, take things too personally. But I don't know how to /stop/.

I don't know how to be better than I am. I don't know how to fix the problems I want to fix, I don't know how to help more than I already am. Would being better even fix it, or would I just find something else to feel terrible about? 

....well, writing this out helped me feel better, at least.

edit: and the person on tumblr who inspired this has said they will tag ranting in the future, because they are a very nice person. so that will help
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It's just.

A lot of the whole "why do you care about (character x) you should identify with (character y) instead" is just. It hits me in just the /wrong/ spot.

I have spent half of my life trying to make myself feel something other than what I feel. To try and make myself have the "right" emotional reactions, to care about the "right" things. To feel the way people around me think I should automatically, because the only reason I wouldn't feel that way is because I was broken.  (Or Sinful. Or Unenlightened. Or because of some sort of social force. Same thing from different directions.)  Or better yet, I don't actually feel that way, I've just been convinced that I do because of Corruption.

My emotional reactions are not valid. My feelings are wrong. If I were Normal, I wouldn't be feeling the way I do. I wouldn't care about the things I do, wouldn't identify with who I do.

And I'm fucking sick of it. I have the emotional reactions I have. And yes, those reactions should be analyzed and inspected. Trust me, I do that /anyway/. But there is a /very large difference/ between analyzing and shaming - between looking at the reasons for reactions and saying that people shouldn't be allowed to have them.

(Should all emotions be expressed publicly? No. Should everyone analyze their emotions and themselves? Yes. Should we shame people for the feelings they have? No, fuck off.)
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This is not at anyone in particular. This /is/ about a character in particular. This is re: things I've seen on tumblr, though I haven't decided if I'll cross post it yet.

This is mostly ranting. I don't know if my emotions are justified, but they are certainly in existance.

rant and mope )

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Leia, the night after everyone returns from the Starkiller base. (Almost everyone.) 

Canonical character death, slight hand waving of force abilities, brief Obi-Wan. Han/Leia.



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I've spent a lot of time since watching TFA thinking about Kylo Ren. (I've spent most of my time going !!! and squeeing, and looking mournfully at all the merch I cannot afford, but, regardless.) And I know, the world hardly needs more villain fangirls, and there are so many fabulous characters in TFA that will probably not get enough attention. Surely, as an ethical and aware fandom participant, I should spend my time talking about Rey or Finn or Leia, instead of adding to the inevitable pile of discussion about Yet Another Grimdark White Boy.

And yet, and yet. My attention goes where it will, and there's a lot more going on than that. There's something /compelling/ about this boy to me, and I want to poke around in his brain. One of the main questions currently, considering his backstory, his behavior, and the patterns of Star Wars- will he get a redemption arc? And on the meta level - /should/ he?

should or shouldn't he? )
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I need things that are mine, and mine alone. There is an exhilaration in shared experience, but it is something between, something that only exists in the shared and not in any one person. It can be greater than any of them, water poured into a shared well, and yet, and yet.

Stories are me. I am a collection of tales bound up in flesh, little story factories tucked away inside of bone and muscle and nerve tissue. Stories from me, stories about me - I don't know how to exist except as narrative distilled. (Maybe I'm broken, but that's for another day.)

But if all of my stories are us or them; if everything is shared and between - do I still exist at all? If I'm just the place where all of those shared experiences overlap, am I still real? (Is anyone?) If that particular combination of different us-stories and we-stories is unique, does that make a difference?

I don't know. I just know that i don't like it. I feel hollow. Everywhere my mind turns there's someone else there, tugged in by that story-that-is-us, and I have to deal with us when I want to deal with me. There are invaders in my head, strings attached to other pople strung everywhere. It's like walking into a room I thought was empty and finding it full of people.

So I need things that are mine. I need stories that I own, that are mine and no one else's. (Or at least stories that feel that way.) I need - spaces in my head where I can go and find no one else waiting for me there, where I know that if all of those shared experiences drop away, there will still be a /me/ left over.

Maybe it's privacy, a place where I don't feel the weight of shared experiences on my back, without the ghosts of other people surrounding me. Maybe it's security, the knowledge that if -when - people leave, they won't drag everything I love and care about with them. Maybe it's an anchor, being able to say this is me, this is from me and to me, weaving the stories into myself instead of spreading them outwards. Maybe it's all of them.

But I think it's something I need. A room of my own, as it were. So maybe that's okay? Psychological me-time, I suppose. (Do other people need this? Does that matter, if I need it?)

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Well, it's about an hour before midnight here, so, I suppose it's time for the obligatory retrospective.

It's been a crap year. My brain chemistry fucked me over, I had rolling anxiety attacks for over half of it, I failed a class and I'm stuck in school for one more semester. And now I'm living in a small town where my shitty ex works at the /only department store in town/. And my writing speed dropped to a crawl.

On the positive side, I got some new fandoms, found new awesome friends and continued being friends with awesome people. What I have written has been good, and my drafting speed is starting to pick up again.

Most importantly, I've survived more or less in one piece. I'm not quite the same person I was 12 months ago, but I've learned a lot about myself and the world since then, and the core of me is still me. (The dunes of the desert change shape, but sand is still sand.)

Resolutions? eh. Let's talk plans. I want to graduate and get a job, start paying off my loans. Pay off my car. Write. Feel less guilty about not writing. Work through my stack of books to read. Maybe watch a couple of tv series in the stack as well. Forgive myself for the times when the best I can doesn't feel good enough.

Here's to a better year, everyone. 
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for the lovely @evocating and her wonderful fic All Sinners Crawl

“It’s – an impulse. A sudden idea, the sight of the thing triggering a rush of memory: Javert’s whine, breathless with desire, “I would – I /want/ to-”

So, Valjean buys it. “

Takes place in between Epilogue 1 and Epilogue 2, because the bit with the collar wouldn’t leave my head.

features established javert/valjean, sex, collar kink, praise kink, bondage, and conflicted dom feels



Woven in the Soul )


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I mean. Don’t get me wrong. I feel for Ren.

full of rage and confusion and furious pride, trying to be dark because he thinks that makes him powerful, that makes him /important/.  I have been friends with literally a /dozen/ teenage boys just like him. I think most girls/femme reading people in nerd circles have.

(Girls that take his path are rarer. I flirted with it, tried being powerful and dangereous, but it never worked out as well for me. It’s not a path open to us, our anger even more a joke than theirs. The boys will take each other seriously, but they won’t take /us/ seriously.

our anger is much more likely to be directed at ourselves rather than the world. )

You know the ones.  These are the Tyler Durden fanboys, the ones who idolize the Joker.  If you haven’t meet one, you’ve seen one from the distance.  They talk about how powerful they are and how much they’d slaughter you if you fought them. (I once refused to be intimidated, and played his game back at him only better. He wasn’t sure what to do with my refusal to believe that I’d lose.) A lot of them are teenagers, but a lot of them aren’t.

There are a lot of those guys in the star wars fandom, I think. The ones who dragged Bobba Fett out of the sarlaac and back into the continuum, because he was cool - the ones who idolized over how /awesome/ Darth Vader was, and never acknowledged that he was mostly powerless  in that form. The ones who complained that Anakin wasn’t badass enough in the prequels, that he was too whiny, when he was  - the same age as Kylo Ren, really.

And this raises a very important point. This movie is not for their world view, I think - it is not for what they think the dark side is. Kylo Ren is a /dork/ trying to be cool, and the universe treats him with absolutely none of the dignity those boys think the darkness should afford them. He is a /child/ and he is acting like a /child/ and /that is what draws him to the dark/.

(let’s get rid  of the idea that the light is the realm of children, that innocence means goodness. innocence just means you don’t know any better. let’s make growing up mean a walk into the light.)

(in fact, that’s likely precisely what kylo ren’s plotline is going to be.)

And everyone in the world acknowledges it. That poor general! He’s probably struggled for /years/ to get that position, and he’s put on equal ranking with a whiny child who keeps breaking things when he gets mad.

And that makes Kylo Ren /much more sympathetic/ than he would have  been otherwise. Maybe it’s a factor of my own age - now that I’m not a teenager myself, and out of the age of needing to be intimidating to be secure. So I’m parental to him, mourning the fact that he’s fallen into bad influence - that he’s fallen into the hands of someone saying “yes, your anger is legitimate, your rage is fair, everything is exactly as serious as you feel it is, there is no need to analyze.” and then using that rage to control him. he has no self-control. his master acts like he doesn’t need any. (let me control you instead.)

Poor dear. I don’t take him as seriously as he’d like, but I do want him to learn and grow and come home.

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okay. this one /will/ have spoilers under the cut. So. The Force Awakens spoilers below the cut.
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it's here! 

You are in no way obligated to give me anything -and if you make a stocking, give me a link~

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A fic i promised a follower an... appallingly long time ago. ‘sbeen a long year.

Shout outs: @saintarchie for the original idea, the title, on-the-spot Space Facts, endless encouragement and generally being the best Partner in Crime a writer could ask for; @nenya85 for encouragement, assistance and editing; and everyone else who’s listened to me whinge about this for ages. 

Pregame by about 10 years. Technically Platinum, though that’s not relevant for this one. Features extensive headcanon work off screen and characters that look like OCs but aren’t.

Warnings: Alcohol, mentions of parental abuse, oblique references to self harm, terrible relationship dynamics. 

In which there are drunk teenagers and life lessons are learned. (Unfortunately, they are the wrong lessons.)

Precipice )
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companion draft to the Sephiroth Is a Robot: Genesis and Angeal's activation
Still a very rough draft


angeal and genesis )


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