Jun. 11th, 2017

splinteredstar: (Default)
writing is therapy for me. writing is how i understand myself. posting is a way of making those understandings real, proving that i did it through the reaction of others and gaining new understanding through communication and discussion.

why the fuck should i let other people dictate the terms of my healing?

and yet. there's still the voice in my head: what if your healing hurts others, what if you're just making excuses, what if you just tried harder, what if, what if.

(sometimes it feels like i'm being torn apart.)

all right.

let's set some points here.

1. i do not do things lightly. I consider things, i think through them, I analyze why I do and feel things. I have been told this by people who are not prone to lying. I am as confident of this as I am of any facet of my personality.

    1.a. thus "yes it's an unfortunate pattern but it's okay for me" is unlikely to be an excuse. I do the analysis and the underpinning and the work.

    1.b. remember, excuses only work because they could be true.

2. Emotional responses are what they are. They are not good or bad or wrong or right. Likewise, identification with a character is what it is.

    2.a. thus: I do not have to allow anyone else to set the limits of my identity. I am do     not have to allow someone else to determine what is or is not meaningful to me

    2.b. personal symbolism is /personal/. personal meaning is /personal/.

3. Monsters are monsters because they are selfish. Because they put their own desires above what other people need. Because they don't care about others.

    3.a. however; sometimes you need to be selfish. sometimes you have to put yourself first. sometimes you have to stop caring.

    3.b. i am not obligated to set myself on fire to keep other people warm. especially not if they have blankets, not if there are other ways for them to keep warm.

    3.c. i am allowed to put myself first

i don't know if it'll be as clear and stable as this in an week or an hour.

but right now this feel real and true, and that's enough. that might be all i ever get, so it's gonna have to be.

(I am allowed to trust myself.)


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